I’m ok with where we sit now, what our ttc plans (or lack thereof) are for the immediate future and I’m slowly becoming ok with the fact that it’s very likely Dexter will be our only child but as our EDD from that first nightmare IVF nears I’m feeling so very sad, so sad and heartbroken for what could have been.
I was unprepared for this, for the heartache. I don’t grieve for the others, for those that never really lived but there’s an empty part of me where they are supposed to be, our two little embryos, our only babies to survive to transfer, our twins.
Our doctors failed us, my body failed them, they weren’t strong enough, it wasn’t meant to be. I miss them everyday and right now more than ever. Everything feels raw, the sight of a new baby on the weekend sent a sharp knife twisting in my gut and tears to my eyes. It makes me feel weak and pathetic that I can’t just deal with this, that emotion overrides my logic.
5 days in the lab less than 8 days inside before the flood of red put an end to everything, it seems insane that it could hurt so much.
